Let’s just take a brief look at your baby’s earliest feelings.  You might ask “How do you know my baby even has feelings?” Great question! After all, the baby is not using words yet to tell you how he/she is feeling! I’ll explore this question later when discussing how feelings work, but for now the answer lies primarily in the facial expressions of your baby.

Current research shows that your baby is born with about 8 to 10 built-in feelings, as shown by the facial expressions. Although there are some interesting controversies in this area, the best information available now suggests humans are born with 9 feelings.

The actual process of perceiving and responding to your infant's signals requires an awareness that the infant has signals and the child is making an effort to communicate. Next, it requires the adult to internally integrate the incoming message with their own understanding, past experience and so on, so they can sort out the possible meaning of the signal—that is, the meaning of the message that's being sent. And, finally, the process includes a response from the adult. Dr. Ivri Kumin, a psychoanalyst in Seattle, Washington, has recently written an elegant book that delves into these processes in great detail.

My son used to love to ‘shave’ with me. I would help him lather up his cheeks and give him an empty razor so he could pretend. But, on a busy morning, it was easy to forget how important his drive to imitate my behavior really was, and how much of a compliment it was, too. As the minutes ticked by, I would try to remember this, however, and to encourage and support his play-acting. I would guess most parents have had the same experience. To remain patient, I would remind myself about just how much of a role model parents are to their children and what a big help it can be in cementing your relationship and providing guidance. Keeping this in mind may help prevent you from misunderstanding some of your child’s imitative behavior and from injuring your child’s good-hearted impulse to be like you and be liked by you.

When your baby expresses the signal for interest, he is clearly engrossed. His eyebrows are slightly lifted or slightly lowered. His mouth may be a bit open. If the object that’s caught his attention is moving, he’s following it closely with his eyes. His whole body seems alert, a little tense. He then turns his head, and perhaps his body, toward the object of interest. If he can crawl or walk, he’ll move toward it. Interest is expressed on a continuum from interest to excitement.

If you are able to help your child understand and gravitate to what interests him, you and your baby both reap great benefits now and in the future.

From the first days of your baby’s life, you can lay the foundation for self-esteem by responding appropriately to your child’s signals for help (distress, anger, etc.) and fun (interest and enjoyment).

When a baby finds that her signals are validated and responded to appropriately—that troubles are soothed and pleasure enhanced—she begins to sense that her feelings—the expressions of her very being — are of value and important. A baby learns that she counts for something. This is the foundation of the development of self-esteem — a combination of who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you think about your future potential.

Self-esteem takes root or withers depending on how you handle your child’s signals of fun — interest and enjoyment — and the signals for help — distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dissmell.

Babies thrive when they feel they are of genuine interest to you and are the center of your universe. They use their nine signals to express their entire range of emotions. When a baby cries, or fusses, or coos, she expects you to react with as much enthusiasm or distress as she does about what is happening to her.

Along with paying attention, reward and praise from you are essential to a child’s self-esteem. You must never forget how much your child wants to be like you and also to be liked by you. Kids need to hear that you approve of them and think they are wonderful

Some parents inadvertently diminish their children’s self-esteem by interfering with or belittling their signals for interest and enjoyment. This triggers the automatic, built-in response of shame, and shame erodes self-esteem.