"We labor under a sort of superstition that the child has nothing to learn during the first five years of life.  On the contrary the fact is that the child never learns [afterwards] what it does in its first five years." ---Mahatma Gandhi, 1925

In the May Newsletter, we discussed the benefit of listening to our children, especially to their feelings.  Now let's focus now on how useful it can be to discover what our children are interested in.

Bob Dylan's line from his song "Tangled Up In Blue" sums up beautifully much of infant and child development, particularly the problems some parents experience as their infant transitions into toddlerhood and begins to talk. Babies and their parents do have the same feelings, but a very different point of view — parents have language, and this changes everything!

In the last few articles, the earliest feelings of your baby have been described — feelings that are actually built-in by the time your baby is born. There is some scientific controversy about how many primary feelings exist, but, as noted previously, the best model suggests nine feelings: interest, enjoyment, surprise, distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust (reaction to toxic tastes), and dissmell (reaction to toxic odors).

Now, how do these feelings work? Try putting aside everything you have ever learned about feelings before!

Your baby's six built-in negative feelings are terribly important:  they represent your baby’s way of sending an SOS signal, saying “Help! I’m in trouble!  Please help me!”

What do your baby's earliest feelings look like? That is, how does your baby express her feelings? There are two positive feelings: interest and enjoyment.  There is one transitional or "re-setting" feeling, surprise: surprise seems to clear or rest the nervous system to prepare it for the next stimulus.

Let’s just take a brief look at your baby’s earliest feelings.  You might ask “How do you know my baby even has feelings?” Great question! After all, the baby is not using words yet to tell you how he/she is feeling! I’ll explore this question later when discussing how feelings work, but for now the answer lies primarily in the facial expressions of your baby.

Current research shows that your baby is born with about 8 to 10 built-in feelings, as shown by the facial expressions. Although there are some interesting controversies in this area, the best information available now suggests humans are born with 9 feelings.

The actual process of perceiving and responding to your infant's signals requires an awareness that the infant has signals and the child is making an effort to communicate. Next, it requires the adult to internally integrate the incoming message with their own understanding, past experience and so on, so they can sort out the possible meaning of the signal—that is, the meaning of the message that's being sent. And, finally, the process includes a response from the adult. Dr. Ivri Kumin, a psychoanalyst in Seattle, Washington, has recently written an elegant book that delves into these processes in great detail.

When your baby expresses the signal for interest, he is clearly engrossed. His eyebrows are slightly lifted or slightly lowered. His mouth may be a bit open. If the object that’s caught his attention is moving, he’s following it closely with his eyes. His whole body seems alert, a little tense. He then turns his head, and perhaps his body, toward the object of interest. If he can crawl or walk, he’ll move toward it. Interest is expressed on a continuum from interest to excitement.

If you are able to help your child understand and gravitate to what interests him, you and your baby both reap great benefits now and in the future.

From the first days of your baby’s life, you can lay the foundation for self-esteem by responding appropriately to your child’s signals for help (distress, anger, etc.) and fun (interest and enjoyment).

When a baby finds that her signals are validated and responded to appropriately—that troubles are soothed and pleasure enhanced—she begins to sense that her feelings—the expressions of her very being — are of value and important. A baby learns that she counts for something. This is the foundation of the development of self-esteem — a combination of who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you think about your future potential.

Self-esteem takes root or withers depending on how you handle your child’s signals of fun — interest and enjoyment — and the signals for help — distress, anger, fear, shame, disgust, and dissmell.